Conflict is a normal part of any relationship especially the ones formed on a team. When mistakes happen, or the team loses, blame is often a first reaction. As coaches you know that interpersonal dynamics matter just as much as athletic skill when it comes to building a successful team. For girls, this is especially important because they tell us time and time again that they stay in sports for the community.
Unhealthy responses — like blaming a teammate, the silent treatment, taking conflict online, or avoiding the issue— can damage trust and erode team culture. When players know conflict can be productive and is a healthy part of how teams evolve it leads to growth, creative solutions, and deeper connections between teammates. Teams that navigate productive and healthy conflict are stronger and more resilient than teams that avoid conflict in order to function.
The Four Steps to Healthy Conflict helps players develop these skills.
The Four Steps:
- Affirm the relationship.
- Share how you’re feeling.
- Consider your contribution and gain perspective.
- Solve it and take action together.
Here’s what the four steps look like in action.
Scenario: Imagine two teammates, Alex and Jordan, arguing over a missed pass during a game. Alex feels Jordan should have passed the ball earlier, while Jordan believes Alex was out of position.
Step 1: Affirm the Relationship
Let the person you have a conflict with know that you value the relationship you have as teammates. This signals that conflict does not mean the end of the relationship.
Alex: “Jordan, I really enjoy watching you play and being on a team with you.”
Step 2: Share your feelings
Tell the other person how you feel in a clear and specific way using “I” statements. Try to be as vulnerable as possible and be very specific about what made you feel that way.
Alex: “During the game I felt frustrated when you kept not passing the ball to me and I was open.”
Step 3: Consider Your Contribution and Gain Perspective
Everyone involved reflects and considers their contribution (if any) and offers insight into how they perceived the situation.
Alex: “Maybe I wasn’t as open as I thought I was to receive your pass. Could you let me know your perspective?”
Jordan: “I didn’t notice you were open at first, but I also could have passed sooner.”
Step 4: Solve It and Take Action
Using “I can…” and “Can you…?” prompts, come up with a solution you can both agree on. Offer to change what you can AND ask for what you need.
Alex: “Next time I can get louder to make sure you hear when I am open and calling for a pass. Can you work on the timing of your passes with me at practice?”
Productive conflict, just like corner kicks, layups, vollies, and pitches, are a skill. They take practice, reminders, and consistency. Celebrate every time you see a player use any part of the Four Steps. It’s helpful to print them out so they’re ready for players to reference when they need a moment to prepare for the conversation. Practice modeling these steps by admitting your own mistakes or asking for what you need. As a coach your example is the most powerful permission a girl can get to approach conflict as an opportunity for change.
A Tool for Life, Not Just the Field
Conflict happens everywhere— in friendships, in classrooms, at home. Encourage players to use these steps beyond practice. When athletes have a concrete framework they trust, they’re more likely to lean into difficult conversations rather than avoid them.
The Four Steps to Healthy Conflict won’t make conflict disappear. But it gives your players the language and confidence to face it— and that’s the goal.
Have More Questions
For a full breakdown of how to set up and implement this activity with your team sign-up for our training- “3 C’s of Team Chemistry”.
About Girls Leadership
At Girls Leadership we believe that coaches are some of the most influential adults in a young person’s life. That’s why we offer training designed specifically for coaches and educators — giving you the tools and frameworks to build programs where every girl feels seen, supported, and equipped to lead.
Ready to bring more of this work to your team? [Explore our coaching programs and training opportunities here.]
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