Dear Ms. Starr: My Daughter Isn’t Included

Dear Ms. Starr,

My 12 year daughter who just started 6th grade comes home everyday and says that no one at school likes her, everyone hates her, and that they don’t include her. As her mom, I have talked to her teacher about this matter, and her teacher tells me that everything is fine! She says that my daughter IS included but that she chooses to sit by herself and not talk to anyone.  It sounds like she is not putting herself out there, and then I hear how “horrible” life is and how everyone is mean. What do I do?

~Clueless!

 

Dear Clueless!,

At one point or another, and whether or not we choose to admit it, we have all played games in our relationships. Perhaps we have sat down at an empty table to see if someone would join us. Maybe we’ve held off calling or texting someone to see if they would contact us first. Or possibly we’ve chosen to hang back from the group to see if we would be noticed and included.

When we passively wait for such social invitations, we tend to put so much meaning on the bid itself. “They like me! They really like me!” we tell ourselves, believing for a moment that we are pretty enough, smart enough, and good enough. On the other hand, when the request to join the table, group, or activity doesn’t come or isn’t clearly perceived, our self-worth can too easily plummet.

Girls, more than boys, tend to base their self-esteem not on what they do or who they are, but on the status of their relationships. When a girl’s relationships feel strong and drama-free, her confidence is generally high. However, turmoil within friendships, social exclusion, or physical and emotional isolation can lead girls to feel embarrassed, hurt, betrayed, and insecure. For most of us, expressing sensitive feelings requires a high level of vulnerability and risk. Thus, we keep our feelings bottled up inside, putting up our protective walls that only serve to keep us distanced from those we want to feel closest to.

Let’s be honest. Putting ourselves out there, sharing our feelings, and asking for what we need in our relationships is really tough. So tough in fact that a lot of us end up playing the hard-to-get game even when we don’t want to! The reasoning sounds a little something like this; if I know you like me and want to spend time with me – because you say or do something to include me – then I feel safe and good about being myself.

A fear of being vulnerable is what’s behind your daughter’s confusing behaviors. Although it may feel easier in the moment, choosing NOT to be vulnerable doesn’t get us what we really want. Brene Brown, expert and author on vulnerability writes, “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.” I believe your daughter is hurting and wants to be in connection with her peers. However, instead of acknowledging her feelings and fears, she asserts that others are mean and leaving her out. I don’t think your daughter is choosing to game play on purpose. Rather, it is a lack of assertiveness and awareness of her own feelings that add fuel to the fire, causing her further hurt and suffering.

Instead of trying to fix your daughter’s social issues or point to the contrasting reality expressed by her teacher, encourage her to share her feelings. Your daughter is telling you a powerful story that doesn’t seem to have a happy ending. So, the next time she tells you that everyone hates her, ask her how that makes her feel. Don’t let her get away with the typical “bad” but instead, gently push her to name some inside feelings like sadness, fear, or embarrassment. Acknowledge the normalcy of those emotions and validate how challenging it can be to put oneself out there. Let her know that if she does nothing differently, then it is likely that nothing will change. Knowledge is power. I encourage you to empower your daughter by helping her understand that she has the ability to improve her situation by knowing how she feels and asking for what she wants.

Your daughter may come back to you with something along the lines of, “I tried mom, but they were mean and told me I couldn’t sit with them.” If you get this kind of push back, offer to brainstorm or role-play assertive communication responses she might try. Ultimately your daughter’s social dilemma is hers alone to figure out. Your job as her mom is to support, encourage, and celebrate your daughter for the wonderful unique being that she is. I trust that the sad story she is telling will get old soon enough.

The rest is still unwritten,

Ms. Starr

  1. Communications

    Dear Beryl,

    Love your suggestions of having Clueless! share some of her own personal social experiences with her daughter as well as the knowledge of how easy it is to make assumptions about other people's quirks and behaviors. Keep spreading your awesome advice to those around you. Together, we might just make a difference.

    In gratitude,

    Ms. Starr

    Reply
  2. Communications

    Dear Janine,

    Finding out as many details as possible about a complex situation such as the one Clueless's daughter is in is always very important. "Girl World" can be so cruel. It breaks my heart to realize that for so many girls, myself included, trying to navigate teen social dynamics is fraught with differing degrees of hurt and suffering . I implore that parents listen to their kids, ask questions, and then talk to their kids teachers, school counselors, and anyone else that may be able to give light to the reality of what is really happening to a child to ensure that their situation does not slip through the cracks. Once the details are gathered, and if it is in fact a true bullying situation, then adults need to rally to support the child who is victim of the bullying behavior. Although we want to empower our girls to assertively handle their relationship issues, we cannot leave them on their own to do so. Rather, we support them to find their own way through listening, acknowledging, and brainstorming ideas with them on what would be the best choice for them in the moment.

    Thanks for writing,

    Ms. Starr

    Reply
  3. Communications

    Dear Anonymous,

    I absolutely agree with you! To adequately support our girls through the tough journey of adolescence, we must recognize and validate their experiences and feelings. As their parents, teachers, mentors, and counselors, we want to support girls from a young age to solve their own friendship problems. I love your suggestion of encouraging girls to seek new relationships in different places! Getting your girl involved in extra curricular activities outside of her school community is a great first step. When it comes to being at school, often girls discount being friends with other girls based on a snap judgements or popularity contests. Letting our girls know that although we all make snap judgements sometimes about whether or not we like someone or how we will get along with them based on their hair color, what they eat, or their group of friends, doing so can prevent us from finding true friends who accept us for who we really are (vs. superficial qualities).

    My best,

    Ms. Starr

    Reply
  4. Communications

    Dear Danielle,

    Thank you for your support and acknowledgment of the power of vulnerability. It is something I strive for, and work at, every single day.

    In girl solidarity,

    Ms. Starr

    Reply
  5. Melissa Jade

    I’ve found this helpful for identifying and communicating my own feelings and needs
    https://www.cnvc.org/Training/feelings-inventory
    also an inventory of needs
    https://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory

    maybe others will find it helpful as well.

    I would also recommend the aforementioned TED talk from Brene Brown, however I would suggest you include your daughter in the investigations of each of these resources. Look at them together. These are entirely age appropriate and at twelve, she is fully capable of absorbing and interpreting each.
    “The reasoning sounds a little something like this; if I know you… want to spend time with me – because you… do something to include me – then I feel safe and good about being myself.”

    -from the perspective of an adult daughter without a daughter of my own.

    Reply
  6. Anonymous

    This article is interesting and it expresses one possibility. However, I find it disturbing that the girl’s perception is entirely discounted. I have seen the drama of middle school girl relationships both as a girl and as a teacher.

    I was ostracized by my group of friends in middle school over a misunderstanding that misled a girl into thinking I was after her boyfriend. I was no longer welcome to sit with the others at lunch or to interact with them in class. It was not a game I was playing.

    I have also witnessed this ostracizing behavior as a middle school teacher. Some I witnessed directly. Other situations were shared by students, both victims and witnesses. This DOES happen regularly. I’m sure there is a developmental explanation regarding defining oneself and one’s social group. However, we should not discount girls’ perceptions and experiences!

    Instead, we should help girls figure out how to navigate the experience and identify other girls who may not have been in their initial social group. Being ostracized closed my window on the popular group, but opened a door to a more authentic and self-aware group of girls. It was still traumatic at the time. Saying “they’re not real friends” or “you’re too good for them” will not help. It is hurtful, but that is another life experience girls need to learn to navigate.

    Reply
  7. Carol

    Dear Concerned Mother,
    Please watch Brene Brown’s TED talk before you talk with your daughter. She has many ideas that will help your daughter and you. http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
    Best wishes

    Reply
  8. Janine deManda

    When I was the little girl who said what Clueless’ little girl was saying, I did NOT need to be “encouraged” to try more “assertive communication strategies”. What I needed was for my mother to HEAR and BELIEVE ME. With rare exception, my peers bullied and excluded me relentlessly for the entirety of my public school experience, and for that entire time, my mother followed the columnist’s advice. Not being heard and understood by my own mother about the realities I was experiencing just made them more hellish.

    Reading the above, I am appalled not only at the oversimplified advice, but at the complete failure to engage any other possible axes for addressing the situation. In my case, I had undiagnosed neurodiversities that made {and still make} social dynamics torturous, and I was a smart kid in a school-based peer-social culture that loathed and feared a curious and agile mind, particularly in a girl. Those are only two of the possible variables here. How about next time, the spokesperson for “Girls Leadership Institute” be a bit less facile and girl-blaming, and a bit more resourceful and I don’t know, helpful?

    ~Janine deManda, one of those feminists who doesn’t think every problem facing girls begins with them

    Reply
  9. Elegant Goose

    This article is interesting and it expresses one possibility. However, I find it disturbing that the girl’s perception is entirely discounted. I have seen the drama of middle school girl relationships both as a girl and as a teacher.

    I was ostracized by my group of friends in middle school over a misunderstanding that misled a girl into thinking I was after her boyfriend. I was no longer welcome to sit with the others at lunch or to interact with them in class. It was not a game I was playing.

    I have also witnessed this ostracizing behavior as a middle school teacher. Some I witnessed directly. Other situations were shared by students, both victims and witnesses. This DOES happen regularly. I’m sure there is a developmental explanation regarding defining oneself and one’s social group. However, we should not discount girls’ perceptions and experiences!

    Instead, we should help girls figure out how to navigate the experience and identify other girls who may not have been in their initial social group. Being ostracized closed my window on the popular group, but opened a door to a more authentic and self-aware group of girls. It was still traumatic at the time. Saying “they’re not real friends” or “you’re too good for them” will not help. It is hurtful, but that is another life experience girls need to learn to navigate

    Reply
  10. Beryl

    So clearly answered and so typical, I think, to many of our stories growing up as young girls. My brain can’t help but start wildly working into overdrive when I hear this type of story–because the reality is, if you don’t foster some formal education on how to communicate better (so that the querent is less in pain) you might end up with an adult, like me, who still finds herself playing the game of “I shouldn’t txt/email/call right now. I should show that I have more backbone.”

    I think it IS fair to say that constantly communicating and over-communicating can be another side to this coin–perhaps a form of neediness/vulnerability that has to be reassured constantly by others, which I know I’ve experienced as well. Whereas this sounds more like another child who is wanting reassurance from outside forces but doesn’t even give them a fair chance to do so–or the tools necessary. I agree with Ms. Starr on needing to discuss the feelings behind it, always a good way to get right at the heart of the matter.

    I would highly encourage walking her through different scenarios, emphasizing that this is a process, not a one-trick deal. I love the idea of role-playing with her, if she’s game–because then you can introduce situations (softly) where the person she’s talking to still might come off standoffish. It’s taken me years to realize that some of my friends are randomly socially awkward/sharp/defensive and it has NOTHING to do with me. If you can have a serious conversation with her about how other people really are other/different people and therefore have no real obligation to act and think they way she does, it might help her give them the benefit of the doubt in the future. Plus, it’ll allow her the shield of ignorance to what’s going on in their head, rather than trying to read their minds or predict some sort of malicious reflection on her.

    Best of luck, mom and Ms. Starr, always a pleasure to read!

    Reply
  11. Danielle

    I love this advice because ultimately we are teaching our daughters the power of choice, perspective and control of their lives. The vulnerability piece is also so important – I find with myself and my own daughters that this is what lies at the core of so much behavior. I strongly believe that risking being vulnerable is the path to true confidence for women and girls.

    Reply

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